This chapter strives to increase your self-assurance as a self-reliant individual. It will also help you understand your relationship needs. Plus, you’ll learn effective communication strategies to express these needs and your emotions.

• • Step 1 – Take the Time to Get To Know Yourself:

Schedule some time today to write down your values, life goals, and what you’re looking for in a romantic partner. This way, you can make sure your relationships match what you truly want.

• • Step 2 – Set Your Relationship Boundaries:

While you take notes for step 1, also write down your relationship boundaries. These are personal limits dictating what’s acceptable and unacceptable behavior within your relationships. While setting these boundaries, make sure you understand what a healthy relationship looks like (step 3). Next, sit down with your partner to discuss these boundaries. Don’t compromise your boundaries.

• • Step 3 – Recognize What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like:

Set your boundaries (step 2) and relationship goals (step 4) with a vision of what a healthy relationship is. In a happy romantic relationship, both individuals extend kindness and fairness to one another. Trust is established through open and honest communication. Each partner provides emotional support to the other. Plus, values and aspirations are aligned. It’s also important you keep autonomy for your personal growth, happiness, and a sense of security. 

• • Step 4 – Communicate Your Relationship Goals:

Be clear about what you want out of the relationship. Do you want exclusivity? Do you want children in the future? Do you want to get married? Do you celebrate special romantic occasions like Valentine’s Day? Do you want a life partner or something more casual? Communicate these goals clearly so you and your partner are on the same page.

• • Step 5 – Learn How to Express Your Feelings:

There’s no right or wrong way to feel, and feelings can’t be controlled. What’s important is how you manage and react to these emotions. In a relationship, you should be able to talk about your feelings without guilt. You can start these conversations by saying, ‘I feel this way‘, or ‘This situation made me feel X’. If you find this difficult, write your feelings down first. Know that although your feelings are valid, they don’t represent objective facts. Never point blame when expressing your feelings.

• • Step 6 – Solve Conflicts Together:

Building on Step 5, it’s important to deal with conflicts calmly to find solutions. Avoid yelling or making quick decisions when you’re upset. If emotions run high, take a few deep breaths and remove yourself from the situation to calm down. Then, when you’re ready, talk about your feelings with your partner. Listen to each other’s point of view, practice empathy, and work together to solve the problem. Think: What’s caused you and your partner to feel this way, and what steps can you both take to help prevent it from happening again? Remove blame from these conversations, and separate your feelings from objective facts. Your aim is for you and your partner to both acknowledge what you could have done better, apologize, find the solution, and move on.

• • Step 7 – Make Time for Intimacy:

Physical intimacy develops a strong emotional connection, essential for any romantic relationship. Intimacy is also good for your well-being by reducing stress and boosting your mood. Talk with your partner about your physical needs and make time for intimacy. For example, you can plan weekly date nights.

• • Step 8 – Take Care of Yourself:

Make sure you look after your physical and emotional health. Follow the advice given by Good Liife’s Health and Mindset & Emotions Guides to support you in this step. Feeling confident will positively affect your romantic relationships.

• • Step 9 – Find Happiness as an Individual:

Remember that it’s better to be happy by yourself than unhappy in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs. Being single can be a time for personal growth and self-discovery. If you’re single now, focus on creating a fulfilling life for yourself, and don’t rush into a relationship until you find the right person.

• • Step 10 – Go to Relationship Counseling:

Relationship counseling can provide a safe space for open communication. It will help you and your partner understand each other and resolve conflicts. Even in healthy and happy relationships, counseling supports a fulfilling romantic life.

• • Step 11 – Pay Gratitude for What You Have:

Human beings have a predisposition for negativity. Hence, your mind will direct your attention to relationship challenges rather than the positives. You, therefore, need to actively redirect your attention every day to appreciate what you have. Start each morning by writing three positive aspects you admire about your partner. Express gratitude for the facets of your relationship that bring you joy.

• • Step 12 – Acknowledge That Love Is a Choice:

Meeting someone new who you find attractive triggers the release of certain chemicals in your brain. Specifically, these are oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. It’s essential not to mistake these hormones for love. In enduring relationships, familiarity sets in. The initial excitement may wane naturally. It’s crucial to grasp this concept so that you can consciously choose to love your partner each day.

Note, that this guidance does not apply to abusive relationships. Abusive relationships can take many forms, including physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, and psychological abuse. If you’re in such a relationship, where one person exerts control and power over another in harmful ways, then seek help. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).